World's Most Worthless Leech

This weekend, we took the train back from a much-needed vacation in NY. Normally, this is a pleasant experience. Not this weekend.

After Philly, where our seat-partner got off the train, a shortish woman who reeked of body odor and tobacco smoke asked if the seat next to us was open. Naively telling the truth, we said yes. She then asked for help to hoist her bag into the overhead. Since we had to stand up to let her into the seat, we hoisted said bag. As soon as she was seated, the woman behind her passed a baby to her; the worthless leech thanked the other woman for her help.

The baby, who couldn't have been much older than 1, began crying, and the Leech bounced the kid on her lap to comfort him. As soon as he stopped bawling, Leech asked us if you can buy drinks on the train. We almost said, Yeah, ring the call light and the stewardess will bring you a fkn martini, but instead informed her that there was a snack bar two cars forward. She immediately asked, "Could you go get me a diet Coke and also a Coke for my son?"

Hell no! Well, actually we smiled meekly and said, "No, sorry," but we were screaming inside. After a few minutes Leech got up and took the kid to the snack bar. She came back with kid in tow and some poor sap balancing his snack tray alongside hers; she settled back into her seat and he passed the snack tray and then a fistful of napkins to her before wishing her a happy vacation and walking on down the aisle.

As the kid contented himself by making a mess with his potato chips, she asked if there was a public phone to use on the train. What, don't you see the bright red phone booth at the end of the train car? "You'd have to ask the conductor," we told her. But then our phone rang. Shit. Cover blown. Thankfully, the conductor came asking for the Leech's ticket just then. She said it was in her luggage, which she had "her friend" stow at the front end of the car; couldn't he just go get it out of the front pocket of the big brown suitcase. He told her she'd have to get it for him by the time he came back to her seat or get off the train. Oh, that we'd be so lucky to see her thrown off the train. So she stood up to get the ticket.

When she came back, the first thing out of her leech-mouth was, "Can I borrow your phone? Do you have some minutes, because I need to call my friend to pick me up at the station?" Well, having so far been as aloof as possible, we folded and handed her the phone. She proceeded to call about 10 different people over the next half hour. Well, a couple of those calls were because she got cut off when the train went through the tunnel, so maybe more like 8 different people.

By the time we got our phone back from her, greasy and tobacco scented, the train was pulling away from the last stop before DC and a few seats had opened up, so we brushed off the rugrat's potato chip crumbs and seized the opportunity to get the fk away. As the train pulled into Union Station, though, we overheard the Leech asking some unsuspecting bystander if he could help her with her bag. "Actually," she added after he offered to help, "there are two bags, a car seat, and a stroller, all in the next car. Let me show you." You can hear the sound of her sucking his very blood from here.